Once upon a time…

So tonight this guy that I could possibly like REALLY like is coming over. It takes him an hour to get here. OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO HOW AM I GOING TO HANDLE THIS WHAT IF HE TRIES TO TOUCH ME OR GOD FORBID ACTUALLY STARTS TO LIKE ME. I raid the medicine cabinet and pop a Klonopin. That should do it. I mean, like, it’s for anxiety. I’ve got this. It’s all good.

Bev shoots me a text from the freezer.

Bev: Just one K? C’mon dude. It’ll take an hour to kick in and he’ll be knocking at your door by then. And you’re on the lowest dose. Let me help you.

Me: Bev, I’m fine. Don’t worry. I totes appreciate you looking out for me though.

Bev: Don’t you want to not worry about anything? Just let loose?! Have an amazing night? Be your true self? Just give me ONE kiss. That’s it. JUST ONE. J J ;-)

Me: Ugh, fine. BUT ONLY ONE.

Tonight Bev is dressed in this beautiful aroma of cinnamon. She tells me not to “water her down” and just to put her in a small glass and toss her back for the good luck kiss.  Ready…set…GO!

IT BURNS! MY MOUTH MY FACE MY THROAT MY BODY IS ON FIRE. STOP DROP AND ROLL!

Okay, I’ve survived. The burn was quick. Not so bad. I get another text.

Bev: Have you eaten today?

Me: Not since earlier, why?

Bev: You should probably give me another kiss. Get those calories in so you don’t starve.

Bev is right. I love how she looks out for me. So I give her another kiss. Maybe another. Then we’re making out. I no longer feel the burn. Where’s my phone? Is someone coming over? OH YES, that’s right. I look amazing. My hair is so soft. The candle I’m burning smells like a millllllion heavens. I don’t know what heaven smells like. If it exists I doubt I’ll end up there. Did I clean well enough? Is that dust? My hair is REALLY soft.

I get a text. He’s here. I walk toward the door to peer out and see if he’s actually found my place. Man, working with that stupid lock and doorknob was difficult. They should just make shit like that automatic.

I’m on the back porch. He’s here. I’ve got this. I must look so good under the porch light. I’m sure it brings out all of my best features. My phone vibrates.

Bev: Have fun! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!

Me: Lmao I won’t! Hahahahahaha.